Gabe

Growing up, I wasn't like this. I wasn't the outgoing, talkative man that I have grown to be. No, I had changed over the years. I have learned things, seen things, and talked to many people. Here, is my story:

I grew up in a small town just outside of Duluth. It was quaint with only a few thousand people living there. In the winter we had plenty of snow and cold winds. In the summer we had a semi-warm breeze off of Lake Superior. It wasn't the ideal weather or the ideal place to live, but it was a place to call home.

I knew about half the population, then again I went to the local high school, and half the population consisted of teenagers and children. I hated every single second of high school. The kids were rude and more often than not made fun of me. There are many flaws about me, and they took advantage of that, just like sharks would. I often thought that I'd be better off dead, but I could never do that. I was just too scared.

My heart: 'Give up, no one likes you. You're worthless, garbage. You're all alone in this world.'

My mind: 'Can you really go through with this? It's a long-term solution to a short-term problem.'

My heart: 'That doesn't-'

My mind: 'Just shut up.'

My name is Gabriel or Gabe. It used to be Gabriela, but I changed it. I consider myself a boy in a girls body; I'm also gay. That means that I'm a guy, and I'm into guys. I once told my best friend how I felt, and she freaked out and called me a freak. Then she told me we couldn’t continue being friends.

She told everyone and spread rumors about me and how bad I was for what I felt. So, because of the rumors, I was shunned, I was an outcast. I was pushed to the edge of society, pushed to the brink of a cliff. I was constantly told that I was worthless or that I should, 'Go die in a hole.' Yeah. Such a fun life.

Every year, each school day, I got up and got ready for school, which included my trying to get myself out of bed. I stared at my reflection. My hair a dirty blond and my eyes a muddy brown. I sighed.

I walked the half mile to Hell, or so I dubbed it. The first day of school wasn't any different than every other school day. As I walked through its doors, I was greeted with a wave of multiple sounds that made me wince and cringe. There were teens laughing, jocks throwing around a football above the crowds. There were couples making out in dark corners, probably trying to do a few things that made me shudder. There were poor kids being bullied by the senior jocks. Or the senior jerks, as I loved to think of them. Jerk, jock, same thing around here. The kids probably wouldn't make it to class by the bell. They'd end up in the nurse's office and I felt bad for them. They didn't deserve it, no one did.

I half walked, half ran through the halls, dodging cliques and crowds of people, trying to not make eye contact with anyone lest they notice me and make my day a wreck. I made it to my locker and dropped off anything I didn't need for my math class. Then I walked to the other end of the school, again, trying to avoid everyone and just blend in. I nearly made it to my class, but it just wasn't going to be my day. It hardly ever was, though, to be honest.

Some kids were messing around and one kid got shoved and he ran right into me. I was slammed into the wall and the breath was knocked out of my lungs for a moment. When I was able to move I gasped and rubbed the back of my head. It hurt like hell and there was probably going to be a lump there for a few days. Great. The boys finally noticed me and sneered as I looked at them.

"Hey Chris, look, it's Freak. It looks scared. I think it's gonna cry like a little baby." He snickered and exaggeratedly mimicked me, trying to be funny.

"What should we do with him?" He looked to his buddy. Chris looked like he weighed about two hundred and fifty and lifted weights every day. Maybe he was a wrestler? I think I'd heard he was the star quarterback. If that rumor was true, I was dead for sure.

"I think I know of a boxer who's been looking for a good punching bag. You think this Freak will do?" He gave me a predatory smile. They both stalked toward me as if they were hungry wolves. I shivered and let out a small squeak, pressing against the wall behind me. They cut off my escape route to the classroom. I thought about trying to run through them, but I was so much smaller than them. I wanted to melt into the wall behind me and become invisible.

"And what do you boys think you're doing?" demanded a voice that sounded like it had an eastern accent, from behind the two idiots. They turned to look and I just stared at the source. The voice belonged to a crazy looking boy. He had spiky blue hair that reminded me oddly of a hedgehog. He wore a t-shirt that said, 'You kiss it while I kick it.' Under normal circumstances, I would have laughed, but these weren't normal circumstances. He smirked.

"If I didn't know better I'd say you were going to beat that poor, defenseless girl up. Ah well, I can’t let you do that." He grinned at me and winked. "I'm sure you can understand-" He was cut off by Chris.

"And what are you going to do about it? Are you going to fight us? Are you actually sticking up for this freak? If you knew-

" The boy just cut him off by walking up to him and punching him in the face. Chris reeled back and nearly fell flat on his butt. I almost laughed at the look of horror, pain, and anger on his face. It was priceless, I wish I had a camera with me.

"Why you little-" His hand flew to his nose, and he whimpered. It was sticking out at an odd angle and he whimpered again. He stood, albeit unsteadily

"You broke my nose!" He raised his voice and fists at the same time but the boy just kneed him in the stomach in response. Chris's friend just stood there trying to figure out what to do. A crowd had gathered to watch the fight if you consider it one.

"What are you going to do now?" said hedgehog, which I deemed as an appropriate nickname. He sounded amused as if he did this every day as if it were a game to him.

"I could teach beat you up and teach you a lesson.” Chris threatened.

“But I think you need to see a doctor about that nose. I think it's starting to bleed.” Retorted Hedgehog. The boy watched him go and the crowd slowly dispersed, whispering and pointing. A group of girls giggled and I felt sick to my stomach. I honestly thought I was going to hurl. Hedgehog turned to look at me and blinked, then he smiled.

"Hey, you alright?" He walked over to me.

"They're jerks, aren't they? Do they do that to everyone?" I just nodded.

"Dude, seriously, you alright?" I nodded again. He shrugged.

"Alright. I'm going to head to class. Find me if you need me. By the way, the name's Justin. Justin Finch." I nodded again and slowly inched along the wall to the door to my math class. I bolted into it and sat down in the back right as the bell rang.

To my astonishment, Hedgehog also walked in. He looked at me and shrugged. The rest of the class filed in and sat down before the teacher stood up from his desk. He was an old withered man, who couldn't hear and wouldn't notice a dancing monkey if it was right in front of him. He also tended to forget anything and everything. It was amazing that the school still let him teach.

"Good morning class," came his rasping noise he called a voice. "We have a new student, and he has just moved here from..." He frowned.

"From Pennsylvania," Justin prompted.

"From Pennsylvania," repeated Mr. Welsby. "I expect you all to behave and to be nice to him. There's a seat next to Miss Douglas." He gestured to the desk on my left.

"Mr. Douglas," I muttered, sinking low into my chair, my face flushing as the class turned their gazes to Hedgehog as he made his way over to me. The boy smiled at me and winked as he sat next to me, taking out his binder.

"Well, gorgeous, it looks like it's just you and me." He winked again and set to work on the assignment given to us.

"My name's not gorgeous, it's Gabriel. Yes, it's a boy's name," I muttered to him softly. He just shrugged and got back to his work. I grumbled and did the same. I couldn't focus for the rest of the hour. I kept glancing at Justin, wondering why in the world he had noticed me. Then I noticed he was kind of cute.

Besides his blue spiked hair, he had a tall, thin, willowy body. He reminded me of a runner. He had quick light blue eyes and a constant smirk on his face. His haircut made his high cheekbones stick out. He seemed the opposite of me. My dishwater blonde hair was short enough to pass as a guy. I had been told numerous times that my hair was way too short for a girl, but I looked around and saw girls with shorter hair so I shrugged. I wasn't fat but I sure wasn't thin, I'd say that I'm average. My eyes were murky brown and I often wished they were a little lighter.

The rest of the day passed in a blur, like usual. I noticed that Justin had three out of his five classes with me. He didn't so much as glance at me the rest of the day. I was a little disappointed, but I didn't really know why. I had just met him. Why should I even care?

A week passed before I mustered up the courage to talk to him. I cornered him one day during lunch. I was shaking when I got up to him, but I held my ground. I needed to know. I needed answers.

"Hey, Justin, I was wondering..." I trailed off and looked down at my feet, shuffling them.

"Why did you help me last week? You could have just left them be. Eventually, 4they'll get back at you for what you did." I glanced up at him and he looked thoughtful. I studied him over the past week and I had noticed that he scrunched his nose up a little when he was concentrating. He also tended to bite the inside of his cheek.

"Well, I couldn't let them beat up a poor innocent girl could I?" He gave me a suggestive wink and I just simply shook my head at the word 'girl'.

"Actually, I'm transgender, so I consider myself a guy. Sorry to break that to you." His eyes widened then he frowned. His eyes darkened and he had a far away look.

"Is that why you've cut your hair so short? And is that why you wear oversized men's clothes? Not to mention that everything you own is boyish."

"Yeah, I can't change my physical body, but I can change my appearance." I gave him a strained smile. He nodded.

"Anything else I should know about my new friend?"

"You're new what?" I asked, a little taken back. He chuckled.

"You're my friend. Is there anything else I should know about you? I'm sure you'll tell me eventually. I just thought I'd ask. It's okay if you don't want to tell me."

"Well..." I was hesitant to tell him I was gay. I hadn't really told anyone. I once told my best friend, and she told the rest of the school, saying she couldn't be friends with a freak. That was the day I cut myself off from the world, avoided people and simply isolated myself from others. That was the day I told myself that I wasn't wanted and that I would never tell another soul of what I thought or what I was.

"Well... I'm also... Umm..." I just couldn't do it. Hedgehog just smiled and hugged me tightly. I stiffened. No one had hugged me since mom's death. Not even Dad.

"Relax, Gabe. I'm not going to hurt you. I promise." I smiled at him and nodded.

"Thank you." I was being honest. It was nice to have a friend again, after so many years of being alone. He didn't pressure me and he didn't ask again. From that day on he was my one and only friend. We hung out together almost every day and I finally acted like a teenager. I think my family was relieved. I could finally confide in someone. I finally trusted someone.

♠ ♠  ♠  ♠  ♠

One day sometime in October we were at his house and he was talking about his hometown. How he had loved the big city and the bustling of the people. The constant rush and the constant need to move, to improve, to get better. The sights and smells that you couldn't replicate in a small town, no matter how hard you tried.

"So why are you here? Why are you in some small town in a state that's basically in the middle of nowhere?" I chuckled at the thought of our small town. It really was in the middle of nowhere. The rednecks way down south thought of us as Canadians. No joke there.

I was laying on his bed and he was sprawled on the floor, flipping through a few of the sports magazines that I had brought over. It was Sunday afternoon and I had nothing better to do. After we told his mom that I was transgender, she let us stay in the house alone while she was at work. She had nothing to worry about.

"I didn't have a choice. Mom got a job offer here and she decided to take it. She also wanted a piece of dad, even if..." "Dad always wanted to move back here anyways, but because he could work from anywhere, and my mom had a good job, he never asked. Then I was born. My mom was thrilled, but my dad... He wasn't. He said he wasn't ready for a child. He stuck around for a few years, until I was about seven, then he jumped ship and left. I guess he couldn't take the pressure of being a dad." He shrugged like it was no big deal, but I could tell it was. He no longer had anyone to look up to. No one to show him what to do in life. His mom could only do so much.

"Mom never forgot dad, and she still loves him to this day. So when this chance came up at work, she took it saying she just wanted to have a little piece of dad in her heart, even if she couldn't have him."

"I really don't know what to say Hedgehog..." I had told him what he reminded me of a while back and he laughed, saying he liked the name. Which shocked me a bit, to be honest.

"Don't say anything then. Just listen." He rolled onto his back and groaned, then quickly sat up. "Actually, there is something you can say." I looked at him inquiringly.

"Like what?"

"Like your history. What's your family life like?" I shrugged, not quite knowing what to say.

"Well, I'm an only child and I was born and raised here. I was born during a rough period in my parent's relationship. They often said that I was a miracle child. First, I wasn't supposed to be born, meaning my mom couldn't have kids, so when I came along it was a major surprise to the family. The second miracle I 'performed,'" I did air quotes. "was that I fixed my mom and dad's marriage. When I was born they realized the reason they had gotten together in the first place. They loved each other." I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I could feel the tears gather in my eyes because of what I was going to say next.

"When I was ten, mom was diagnosed with stage three lung cancer. The doctors said that there was a chance that she would make it, but by the end of four months, they knew that they couldn't stop it. It had spread too much." I sobbed and I felt Justin's arms around me, trying to comfort me. He didn't say anything, and I was very grateful. If he had said something I wouldn't have been able to continue.

"She lasted another two months before she passed away. After that dad wasn't the same. He started to grow somber and he hardly ever left the house unless it was for work, and even that was a stretch for him. Before mom-, before anything happened he loved to read to me and tell jokes. He lit up any room he was in. Everyone loved him and said that I was a splitting image of him, but I could never see it. I looked up to him. But now, now I don't know who he is. He's a different person than when mom was here." Justin hugged me tighter as I cried.

"I know he still cares, but he really doesn't truly show it." I sniffed and wiped my nose with my sleeve. Justin just handed me a tissue.

We didn't say a word about that day, but we were both thinking about it. Fall turned into winter and winter to spring. The snow that used to cover the landscape now only existed in a few small patches, the rest was a muddy mess. Hedgehog and I often spent our weekends outside playing with what little snow existed, making snowballs and pushing each other into the piles. More often than not we walked into my house or his, soaked and laughing our heads off like little kids. I spent Christmas eve at his house and he spent Christmas day at my house. He got me a year's subscription to my favorite magazine. He also got me a really cool pocket knife that I could use when we went camping in the summer. I got him a few new shirts that had really cool sayings. I also got him a few CD's from his favorite band, Panic! at the Disco. He basically tackled me when he unwrapped them.

I dragged him to football games, to hockey games, and once spring came I'd take him to baseball games. He complained but always enjoyed it in the end. In return he took me to dances. Not the, dress up and go to a ball dance. No, this was a club. A teen club that was somewhere in Duluth. His mom grudgingly took us.

"I don't know why you want to go. It's just a bunch of loud music. Besides, what if something happens? Like a fire? I'm sure you won't be able to get out in time." We rolled our eyes and pleaded. She just sighed and took us.

I had a great time, well amazing actually. The music was good and the drinks were also good. Pop, anything non alcoholic, water. I just like to watch everyone dance. Boys constantly asked me to dance and I declined. I didn't really want to dance. But Justin took every invitation that came his way. I always felt jealous but I pushed the feeling aside.

Justin took me to church on Sundays and I was grateful for a distraction from school and my dad. Though I never quite believed in God, I knew that there was someone somewhere that had more power than anyone on this mortal earth. It was during one of those days at church that I was able to find peace.

Eventually, I found the courage to tell him that I was gay. He didn't say anything about it, but he took me out to dinner that night. We had a great time and stayed up until four in the morning, forgetting that we had school the next day. Let's just say that the next day was hell.

He accepted who I was, and for that, I loved him. I loved him from the bottom of my heart. I had fallen for my best friend just as easily as it was to walk off a cliff. Now how was I supposed to tell him? I pushed it to the back of my mind, telling myself it would never, ever happen.

Why would he love me? I was just a messed up kid, though he told me that I was the best person in the world. He told me that I could see the best in people, but I needed to see it within myself. Whatever that meant. Though for all my faults, he never said anything about himself. He never said what he was afraid of, or what he really wanted. No, he held tight to my secrets, and I only hoped he held onto mine. And I would hold onto his, when and if he ever told me his.

I could tell that something was eating away at him. That there was some secret hidden within his heart. I could see how it pained him. I didn't ask, even on the days that he broke down crying. I just held him close and waited. Spring passed and summer came. We passed our classes easily. Chris never did get back at Justin for what he did. But I knew one thing for sure, sooner or later he was going to pay for it. He did what he thought was right, but karma would get back at him for fighting.

It was a hot summer day, mid-June. The heat was sweltering and there wasn't a breath of wind. There were no clouds to be seen, though we hoped there would be, for a summer rain would help with the humidity. We tried to keep ourselves cool by staying in the shade or swimming in the local pool, but after our second sunburn, and our first near heat stroke, we decided to keep to the house. It was usually his house.

That day we had asked his mom and my dad if we could take his mom's car for a ride on the back dirt, dusty, infrequently used roads. She was hesitant but said yes.

Dad said "Yeah, just don't hurt yourself. And drive safely. I'd like to see you home in one piece." I smiled and nodded, agreeing. I told him I loved him and I'd see him later.

His mom's car was a deep red color that wouldn't have worked on any other car. It was a dodge charger, and it was smoother than the lake right then. My hedgehog had gotten his license in March and he was dying to drive on his own. We made it to the back roads and whooped. We cranked the music and sang along to every tune. "This, this is the life, Gabe. I only wish we could do this forever." He flashed me his signature smile that made my heart melt. It made me fall in love with him all over again. I wanted to tell him, but I couldn't. He hadn't told me he was gay, and it wouldn't work for us. He'd just say no, then ignore me.

I smiled back and laughed, not answering. I rolled down my window and let the wind carry away my worries. We wound our way around the lake, and then into the hills and valley that surrounded it. The night was nigh and we decided to head back to town.

I studied him from the corner of my eye as he drove. He seemed a little distracted and jumpy. He kept looking over at me then back at the road. He tried to look relaxed and cool, but maybe he was getting tired and he didn't want me to notice. "Hey Hedgehog, I think I should take wheel, you're looking a little tired."

"Nah, I'll be fine Gabe. Besides, you don't have your license yet." He had a point, but I didn't let up.

"Please Justin, I don't want you to fall asleep at the wheel. That would be a bad thing. Please?"

"Nope." He popped the 'p' and just turned the radio up a bit more. I just shook my head and stared out the window.

"At least slow down then." He just sped up in reply. I bit my lip but glanced over at him every so often. When we were about half way home, heading around a sharp bend and Justin didn't slow down. It was dusk and I couldn't see very well, even with the high beams on.

"Slow down Justin. Please." I pleaded. He was going 60 mph around a 50 mph corner. He shook his head just as a deer ran in front of us from the left. I screamed and Justin jerked the right in a panic to avoid the animal. He hit the deer head on and it blew out our windshield. The air bags inflated and that was the last thing that I remembered.

I remember waking up in an ambulance. There was so much noise it made my ears ache and made my head pound. I wanted to make it stop so badly. I heard someone screaming in pain and agony. Someone was telling me to stay awake, saying that they needed to ask me a few questions but I blacked out.

♠ ♠  ♠  ♠  ♠

The next time I awoke was a lot better. The first thing I saw was a pale white ceiling, the bright light. Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw that the wall was the same color. I tried to move my head but I couldn't. Something was around my neck and it was tight, but it didn't hurt. I could feel my arms and my chest rising and falling with my breathing. I could hear a heart monitor somewhere to my right, a steady sound. In the back of my mind, I knew that I was in the hospital, but I just couldn't grasp the idea.

A shadow passed over my face and I shifted my eyes to look. It was my dad, and he looked like he had been run over by truck. He had dark bags under his eyes and his hair seemed as if rats had used it for a nest. His shirt was crumpled and I don't think that he had showered or shaved in a few days.

I tried to speak, but I couldn't find my voice. Dad gave me a sad, worried look. When he spoke his voice was little more than a squeak. It made him sound scared and so small. Vulnerable.

"I'm going to get the nurse. I'll be right back Gabe. Okay?" I tried to nod, but again I couldn't. I started to panic. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I move? What happened? Why was I here? The heart rate monitor started beeping faster and faster. I realized that it was my heart racing, and I couldn't calm myself down.

The nurse came running in, Dad right behind her. She rounded the foot of my bed and came up to my left side. Just then I noticed that I was hooked up to an IV. She added something to the IV and then stepped back to talk to Dad. After a minute I felt my heart calm down and I was soon breathing normally.

When the monitor had calmed the nurse and dad stepped up to my bedside. She gave me a bit of water and it was like I had found an oasis in a hot desert, the sun blazing down at you and you haven't had water in a week. I could have drunk a gallon of water and still be thirsty. She smiled down at me gently and looked to my dad.

"Mr. Douglas... Are you, or should I?" Dad swallowed hard and waved for her to speak, stepping back. I could see tears gathering in his eyes and he turned his attention to outside through the window. It was dark outside and I didn't know what time it was, but by the looks of dad, it was probably early morning. Very early.

"What can I call you? Your dad calls you Gabe as if you were a boy, but you have a female body. I don't want to be impolite." She gave me a sheepish smile and I almost smiled back.

"I'm, Gabe please... Trans..." My voice felt like sandpaper, even with the water she had given me. She took that cue to give me a bit more, but she never tried to help me up, or move my head at all, and I found that a bit odd. "Well Gabe, I can tell you good news, or, I can break the bad news as gently as possible."

"I'd like to know why I'm-" Oh God. The memory of the car ride, the deer, that night, came flooding back and I gasped. She took a deep breath and let it out with a sigh.

"You and Justin hit a deer, but because of how fast Justin took the corner, after you hit the deer and veered off the road, you kept going. The car rolled twice and hit a tree. People had to cut you two out of the car. The airbag knocked you unconscious and you probably would have died if it hadn't. It kept your body loose so that when you rolled your body could absorb the impact...." She briefly paused.

"You have three broken ribs, you fractured your collar bone, and- and you broke your spine. Unfortunately you won't be able to walk again, the doctors are sure about that. The good news is that the rest of your injuries are healing well." She looked at a chart and crossed something off.

"How long have I been out?"

"About a week. You are very lucky Gabe."

"And what about Justin? Is he alright?" I should have asked about him sooner. It was Dad who spoke up this time. "He didn't make it Gabe. Justin died in the crash. The doctors think that he died instantly when the car rolled. His spine was broken in three different places, he had a cracked skull, and a piece of metal was lodged in his shoulder. The car finished its roll on his side, so he got the brunt of the impact. There was no way he would have made it. I am so sorry Gabe." He looked grim and I closed my eyes and blinked back the tears.

"No, no you're lying. Justin's still alive and he's doing alright. He's going to be fine." I muttered frantically. He was alive. I wouldn't believe anything else, I refuse to.

"I am sorry Gabe, I really am, but they declared him dead on site. They are holding his funeral tomorrow. I am sorry Gabe. I didn't want to tell you, but you were going to find out anyways. I am sorry." The look he gave me was too much. It was so full of pity. I didn't want nor need pity. I wanted Justin.

I felt my heart break in two and a there was a hole in my heart where a part of me died. I had read somewhere that it was possible for a person to die from grief, heartbreak if you will, and I felt more grief right then than I ever did for mom. I thought I was going to die for a moment, but I couldn't. I wanted to keep Justin's memory alive, no matter how much it hurt.

"But I haven't said-" I hadn't said what?

"I haven't said 'I love you.' He can't be dead. Please tell me you're lying." I pleaded him. He just shook his head and walked out of the room.

The nurse gave me a little to eat, but I wasn't hungry at all. I just went through the motions. She did a thorough check up and decided that she would call in the doctor later today or tomorrow to-

"Decide if we can get your neck out of that brace and to see if your ribs are healing as they should."

"What's the neck brace for?"

"It's so you don't move your head or neck and hurt the break in your collar bone." I nodded. After giving me a few pain medications and something to make me sleep she slipped out of the room. I dozed off a few minutes later.

Images flashed through my mind. Justin and I hanging out in his room just talking. Us deciding to sleep under the stars, even if there were millions of mosquitoes that decided to eat us alive that night.

The memory of Justin himself. Just him. The way he could light up the room. He could make anyone laugh and often loved to pull a few pranks. I loved his blue spiky, hedgehog hair. His lopsided grin. The way he held himself, as if he was the best person in the world, and yet he was very humble. Always willing to lend a hand, or save some poor kid from Chris.

The third time I woke up was calm and peaceful. I was still in the hospital, I was still hooked up to the heart rate monitor, and I still had an IV in the crook of my elbow. That hadn't changed, but what changed was that I could move my head. I could feel and move my fingers. I smiled at that. I was going to be alright after all.

I sat up a little and yawned. You'd think that after sleeping for so long you'd be wide awake, but nope, still tired. My stomach growled. And hungry.

A minute later the nurse walked in. She smiled at me and opened the drapes. The sun lit up the room and I could see the dust swirling in its rays. It made patterns and eddies, and it was mesmerizing to watch. I probably would have sat there and stared for hours if the nurse hadn't spoken to me.

"Gabe, how are you feeling?"

"I'm alive." It was the truth, but it wasn't how I was feeling. I felt heartbroken, but I wasn't going to say that out loud. It felt too personal.

"I never gave you my name. I'm Rebecca and you can call if you need me. I just need to have you do a few simple tests. Just to see that everything's working as it should be." I nodded.

She had me touch my finger to my nose, then I had to touch my thumb and forefinger together. I wrote my name on her clipboard and I raised my right arm above my head. I got it level to my head before it felt like needles were being stabbed into my left collar bone. I let out a cry and dropped my arm, sobbing.

"Oh, Gabriel." She sat next to me. "I'm sorry, but it will get better. I'm surprised that you were even able to raise it that high. I need you to do one more thing. Can you wiggle your toes?" Tears ran down my face and I shook my head in despair.

"No. I can't feel anything. I can't feel my feet, my legs... I can't feel anything." I cried and my shoulders shook, and that hurt so I cried more. I didn't know what was going on anymore and it scared me.

"You'll learn, and I'm sure that you'll be used to it in a few weeks. There are plenty of people here to help you through this time period." Rebecca left me for a bit before she came back, bustling around my room.

The next few months went by in a blur. I didn't know who I was, or where I was, or what I was supposed to do. All I felt was pain. The physical pain slowly faded and soon I was able to use both arms. But the mental pain and the emotional pain got worse. I felt the loss of Justin in everyday things. In the people that came and went, the music I tried to listen to. I gave up on that after a bit when I realized that every song I listened to killed me on the inside. I had nightmares about the crash itself...it kept me up most nights.

When the day came that I was able to get out of the hospital I didn't care. I had gotten to move around in a wheelchair a bit and I knew how it worked and how I was supposed to move it. I was checked out of the hospital and Dad loaded me into the new van he bought. It was made specifically for wheelchairs. He tried to start a conversation but I stayed silent. Words were of no use to me now.

My things were moved to the main level bedroom and I didn't have to go up or down any stairs. School had started and I had to go, but I just went through the motions, not caring.

Eventually I mustered up the courage to ask dad to take me to the cemetery so I could see where Justin was buried. He just nodded.

The day was cold and fog swirled around me as I made my way down the cobble stone path. I had asked dad to stay back because I needed to do this on my own.

"Alright, his grave is seven rows down, right side third over."

"Thank you." He gave me a sad smile.

"I'll be in the car. Laura will be coming over. She's been meaning to talk to you... She has a thing against hospitals. Something about a broken arm experience or something." I almost smiled. So Justin's mom wanted to talk to me. I hoped she would be alright and I hoped she wasn't mad at me.

I made it to his grave and I stared at it. The smooth brown and bronze colored marble headstone looked hauntingly beautiful. The inscription read: 'Justin Michael Finch February 4, 1997 - June 18, 2014 A son, A friend to one and loved by all' I couldn't help it, I broke down crying. A hand rubbed my shoulder. Looking up I saw Laura, Justin's mom, at my side. Her eyes were puffy and red and she had a bouquet of blue roses in her hand. She bent down and laid them against the headstone.

"Thank you Gabe. I know that I haven't spoken to you since, since that day, but I couldn't make myself do it." She turned to me. Her copper colored hair shown as the sun broke through the fog.

"Justin thought very highly of you, and I'm sure you thought highly of him. My job wasn't the only reason that we moved Gabe."

"What was the other reason?"

"Justin couldn't face what he felt. He couldn't accept it. So naturally when I was offered the job he begged me to take it. He thought that maybe, maybe a new place would be better for him." Her voice cracked but she continued.

"I knew it was a matter of time before he either accepted it or denied it and took his own life. Or something of the similar sort. And I couldn't bear the second one, so I took the job. When he met you, I was thrilled. There was finally someone he could trust. Someone who was like him." I stared at her confused, I was completely.

"What do you mean, 'like me'? He was nothing like me. That didn't matter, but he wasn't like me." Now it was her turn to give me a strange look.

"You mean he never told you?"

"Told me what?"

"He was like you, but the other way around. He was a girl in a boy's body Gabe. That's why he never judged you. He never accepted it for himself, but I think, given the time, he would have told you and accepted it. You were his best friend. I thought he would have told you."

"No," I whispered. "He never did. I always wondered why he never said anything when the topic arose. He avoided it when he could. I assumed that he thought it rude topic to talk about, but it makes sense." I looked to where my best friend lay. He kept my one secret and he took it to the grave, but he also took his own.

"Miss Finch, I have something to tell you also. I loved Justin. I loved him more than I would a brother. I didn't want him to be my brother, I- I wanted him to be a bit more." I looked at her and she nodded.

"I know." Those were the last few words I ever spoke to her. She moved back to Pennsylvania and I stayed in Minnesota. When I finished high school, I went to college to become a therapist for those who were having trouble with their identity, for people who didn't know what they were or what they felt.

I often visited his grave, and it gave me a sense of hope. A hope that things would be okay, and that someone cared, even if that person was different.

"Screw society." I often told my clients. "Society is scared to admit that being different is okay. Scared to admit that different makes the world turn." They all smile and say thank you. Society may be a cruel place, but little by little, I would make people see who they were, and why they shouldn't be afraid to accept what they felt. I owed that to him. To Justin.